After I talked about my ex for about twenty minutes, she just listened, sluts are so understanding
miscarriage! now THATS a gift from god.
btw, i had a dream i drank 260-proof vodka last night. thank god that doesn't exist in real life.
I'm at the bass pro shop. They have a river full of trout and turtles, a shooting range, a full bar, and the patriots cheerleaders are here. I now understand why people are rednecks. I may never leave
I just saw a guy in the gym riding the bicycle while watching baseball and dipping.
In debating whether or not it's worth getting out of bed and walking 5 feet down the hallway to go to the bathroom before I puke
Craig, a bottle of Jamison, and I had a party on the roof last night. No idea how I got down. My injuries indicate fall...
Haha at least the one I have like that you can't tell we are completely drunk and you're about to kick a glass out of my hand in a fit of joy over pizza.
What's great about college is that i can eat chocolate cereal for every meal and call it a money saving technique.
Literally the only reason we didnt get arrested was because the cop said I reminded him of Steve Stifler from American Pie
Literally had a conversation with the pizza as to why it was a bad idea to reach in the back seat and grab a slice while driving. The pizza was right, it was safer to just wait until I got home.
Had dinner with a married woman but didn't have sex with her. Tweeted at Mike Pence to apologize anyway.
I went to the hospital to have my arm checked out, and they already knew the story. They gave me props for posting photos on facebook before even coming to the hospital.
Come over.
Look lady I can't have sex with you EVERY day. I have things to do.
Planning a vacation around my dog. I have become one of those dog moms.
Randomize
