Skipping work because i'm still too drunk from last night still. got home at midnight and passed out in front of my door for 2 hours bc i couldn't find my key
had to call my rooommate to let us in. Passed out in my dress and found the key on my hair tie-in my hair- just now.
Dude, hurry and get over. I need a wingman. She is on her 6th vodka shot and her resident ugly friend is still sober
i was watching some porn this morning and i realized i am blessed with a truly beautiful vagina
you started texting yourself and saying they were "divine messages from heaven" then you threw up on stacie's piano.
I'm standing in line at the liquor store and they're making popcorn.
Well let's just say that she ended up trying to get it in with the wheelchair guy, who btw, can get an erection and quickly I might add
I'm riding in a wheelchair, being pulled by a golf cart. You need to be here.
Romantic bubble bath turned into splash war. We can't be adults about anything.
Just realized how sopa could affect my ability to watch porn, son of a bitch
She pulled a wad of lint out of my bellybutton while she was blowing me. Said she's never seen anything like it. I've never gone soft so fast.
I'm covered in European cum. How's your day going?
we got kicked out of her coke dealer's house when we wouldn't stop quoting "a league of their own"
communist
At the start of the night I was all 'come at me universe' and three hours later I was ordering an extra large pizza in bed in the dress I had gone out in. Well played universe.
And that was the night we had mind-blowing sex with the score from Raiders of the Lost Ark blaring on vinyl in the background...
bonging vodka is the same level of "good idea" as eating machetes
Randomize
