Goddamn it, are you fucking her sister?
did you know it's going to storm tonight?
You bitch. At least tell Laura she's a better kisser.
Woke up on the floor with my glow stick in one hand & dollar bills in the other. Good. Morning.
If I die on my trip, you're my chosen person. Nightstand-vibrators. Computer-iphoto naked pictures. I hope you feel honored.
Dude you should see the looks were getting for ordering a pitcher of beer with breakfast.
You got in the cab and told the cab driver "we only have seven bucks so you better drive fucking fast".
Well I think I made it pretty obvious I wasn't in to it. I was drinking a beer while he was going down in me
He said, "cum on daddy's dick!" ... I pictured my dad. That just scarred me for life.
I AM HANGING OUT WITH ADORABLE DOGS SURROUNDED BY NATURE. GOD BLESS AMERICA AND ALSO BYE CIVILIZATION AND PANTS.
Are you at a park?
Just bailed on her the best way possible. Got tickets to the game. Only issue is.... if we lose, we not only lost, but I skipped sex to watch us lose
She was doing hand motions and used straws from drinks like those airport light batons to have me back my "747 jumbo dick" towards you.
Happy hour crawl turned into power happy hour turned into tequila shots turned into I'm drunk in class on Cinco de Mayo at 7 am.
I like it here so far, only people are a lot less accepting of my terrible decisions and it's cramping my style
I accidentally told my mom I broke my drug nail this weekend
Sometimes self-care is taking a shot of vodka and moving on.
I was literally so lonely last night that I stopped watching a video on porn hub and just read the comments
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