do you know why i have a volvo grill taped to the back of my car?
She is sleeping in a dress because she's too drunk to put "real clothes" on
vodka bottle broke. scooping it out of the plastic tub with a shot glass into a sprite bottle using a ziplock bag as a funnel and straining the glass out with paper towels. good thursday night?
and yes i will spend 10 dollars on a vibrating toothbrush to masturbate but not a calculator for my test
You called yourself Captain Aspirin and then tried to cure my headache by shoving pills up my nose. Fuck you becoming a nurse, you can't take care of me while you're drunk ever again. Ever.
She looks like she smells of sausage, sunblock and sorrow.
Nvm, he just almost drank his drink from last night, his drink that has the condom in it. Kinda answers my question.
May or may not have been going down the road shooting fireworks.
After sex he cried I didn't know what to do so I patted him on the back and went to the kitchen to make waffles
Just took a shower for the sole purpose of getting off without using my hands... I've reached a new level of summer-lazy.
So the guy I hooked up with during welcome week just tried to booty call me from across the lecture hall at 9am. I don't think he gets how this works...
I'm usually good at keeping a straight face, but not while singing a ballad to a stranger in a bathroom.
There's a burrito next to my bed. Did you buy it for me or is the Chipotle fairy real? And why am I naked?
GIIIIRL I AM STONED AF AND I HAVE A HOMEMADE POT PIE IN THE OVEN THIS PARTY IS LIT.
Listen, you can either give me drugs or an orgasm. You decide.
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