she looked like the bat from fern gully.
you sent me 45 texts saying "meow?"
did i?
Woke up with a treasure map of my room stuck with sticky tape to my ceiling. followed it and found $75 with a note saying; "eat this if we're invaded"... I'm never getting stoned again
Sorry about last night..I didnt realize how drunk you were and when I closed the door it caused you to slam into the mirror...you'll probably piece together the puzzle when you read this and see your hand.
My mom just said we needed to put weed into our earthquake kit.
judging by the pasta sauce and dirty pans i spent my blackout being emeril
Yeah it was hard to find an opportunity while fucking him to say "oh the reason my lips taste so salty is because i blew your roomate 15 minutes ago"
They were fighting, but then they bumped into the bong and it shattered. After that they just hugged and cried.
Disregard that. She just puked into her boot and started screaming.
Just shook hands with the bud light truck driver, thanked him for his service to our country
I just saw a black chick with an eyepatch. This is a once in a lifetime opportunity.
I played "in the air tonight" on a drum set made of titties, and I'm not even exaggerating
Apparently it's illegal to hit pedestrians with coke cans... But the cop complimented my arm. That's a win in my book.
Also, totally got laid in my yellow rubber boots and it was awesome.
Lost my anal v card with Peter Thiel's RNC speech on in the background. Unbelievably appropriate
Randomize