i dont nkow, theres a guy slesping next to me and im wearing 8 tsthirts? wtf happened last night? will you come get me.
i think im in thre room next to you
It was kinda bitchy last night when i brought up my pregnancy scare and you said "shotty playing with it"
I just witnessed two drunk midgets fighting over a graham cracker. I can die happy now.
Its like fucking yourself in the head with a weed strapon
I thought we agreed, no more super glueing action figures to my dick
I just realized that my phone was set to Brazilian time...what the fuck happened last night
Lying on this bed is like lying on love and marshmallows and joy
I woke up with hair in my teeth and half his beard was missing.
I feel like despite his sleaziness I could be friends with this man. he just sent me a picture of his dog's balls.
Sorry blacked out and lost my phone. Judging by the looks of my body I fought a cat and fell into a bush.
Imagine getting a FB inbox "hey I found your ID on the floor of a bar can you send me a mugshot so I can get a second piece of ID made?"
I was changing in front of my window and my neighbor text me saying, "nice pubes."
I fucked some frat guy. Then I found my brother after and made him take his shirt off and then I made him tell me he loves me
The fact that my boss lets me drink on my lunch break makes Mondays much easier.
I sent her a dick pic and used brett Favre's dick pick. She asked me why I had pictures of old men's dicks saved on my phone... I just can't win bro
Randomize
