Her best guy friend really had a thing for her all along.... Now we're back together and he's gone Dawson's Creek with his away messages.
If I saw her on the street and didn't know about the two of them, I would think the only way she'd ever find love was if she somehow found her way to middle earth and an orc took her in
Just transferred the sun chips from that obnoxious Eco-friendly bag into a zip lock. Fuck the environment, that bag is loud.
She went into the basement and sang to my cat for three hours....she actually has a beautiful voice....
Your one and only job is to make sure I am on that bus tomorrow morning with no cat makeup on my face
He started crying and showing me pictures of his ex. she was really pretty. It's an honor to have shared a penis with her.
he kept yelling THIS ISNT AMATEUR HOUR
I wanna throw up and cum in that order
You realize your sleeping pills are working when you pick up your iPhone and almost bite it because you thought it was a graham cracker
My teacher just let our class out 30 minutes early, its a 50 minute class. He said the only thing we had to do was get fucked up tonight and have stories about it on Monday.
So a guy died and our dates revived him with CPR. Good night?
Eating an avocado like an apple while doing shots of fireball and watching finding nemo. I need to get my shit together.
It's my birthday, if I want to stay home, get stoned and watch the gameshow network, that's what I'm going to do.
I'm eating Arby's in the bathtub because I'm an adult and I do what I want
I’ll call you in a minute. Trying to book an AirBnB so I can finally bang the yummy guy from yoga
Your downward dog is going to rock his cock. I’m jealous
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