Mustard is by no means a replacement for yellow wall paint
i'm watching the draft and making cookies. how am i still single?
you spent the night getting lap dances from a stripper with a c-section scar then ended up at a one room casino by the airport and you say you're too good to blaze and see pirahna 3d? bullshit
He tried to say the picture wasn't him. Like I'd forget his curved boner.
He blow dried my hair while I sucked his dick. Now THAT'S fucking teamwork.
One girl peed the bed, one lost her panties, another woke up on the piano, I have pink eye and door knobs are missing. This is why I stay in Nebraska
I should start handing out wavers before I have sex with someone. 1. Do you have anything to do tomorrow? 2. Are you ok with sleeping 12 hours from exhaustion. 3. Are you ok with a limp?
this old dude from the bar is giving me a ride home in a van, his bumper sticker says " don't laugh your kids could be in here" scary world ou here
Being able to fart in her presence and not be judged is why I pay half the rent.
Well, while we went through airport security, I found out Mom got her clit pierced, so there's that.
The moment when you and your BFF compare frequently used emojis and realize you have similar mental disorders and a really weak alibi.
Just in case you blacked out, we had sex, you came in me, we need plan B, we fell off your top bunk, broke your roommates chair, i still like you, but i'm in pain and am going to bed
i found 4 slices of pizza in my toaster, and a can of unopened soup in my blender.. wtf?
I can't have the last guy who touched my vagina be my coworker.
My boss just offered me a vodka mixed drink at work I do not have a real job
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