Dude someone changed all the contacts in my phone to I Like Eggs
Lets drop out of school and be professionally skinny and drunk
Came home and the girl was sitting on the steps "talking" on her ipod touch AND was halfway done eating a raw cucumber.
When you gave me the first bj i thought 'yep, this girl is going to do great things with her life'
I found her in the trunk, smoking a cigarette, saying every girl should know how to get out of their trunk
Don't let her tell you any different. She licked the balls of my hamster for that $100. It was a group bet. She won.
And I would just like to take the time to say my boobs look great today.
Ughhhh. Finnnneeeeee. I'll have sex with your brother. Sheesh. The things I do for you woman.
Since you're going to wake up and see one bajillion missed calls from me, I just want you to know that's a perfectly reasonable number. Now come downystairs.
She just took a mirror selfie at the hospital while in labor.
How do we stop her downward spiral?
Wine. For us.
All I can think of is a mama duck followed by her baby ducks, in brightly colored track shoes.
How high are you?
So... In conclusion, do I bring my vibrator and risk not only having it getting taken out at security, but also exposing my dad to my neon green vibrator, or just leave it here?
I know I say this every year but 2015 will be the year I finally have sex with David's sister
HAMMERED.. I made a peanut butter and jelly sandwich with toilet paper instead of bread...
Randomize
