i really like this girl i slept with last night
you ask her out again?
yeah but she said she is busy next weekend getting married
My phone auto-corrects smirnoff to poisoned. I think it is trying to tell me something.
A small cock is a small cock, don't blame the size of my hands
Now that world cup is done, funneling out of a vuvuzela has lost its fun
I had to brake up with him.
In my experience drinking helps.
You dont want to know why?
Not really. I want to drink.
omg I just had an epiphany about why I grew into such a whore....
HAVE YOU EVER NOTICED WHAT THE SPICE GIRLS USED TO WEAR?!? those were my idols, I never stood a chance
The number of people who end up getting laid as a result of the cha cha slide....is terrible.
Regardless of how one feels after a break up, whiskey must be consumed.
I'm shopping for Mother's Day cards while waiting for my herpes medication. What is life.
You stopped loving me for a minute.
You sent me "Is nap," I don't think that really counts as a conversation starter.
I'm at 45 minutes post orgasm, and I still feel my insides spasming. Pretty sure I just fucked Superman.
He ate me out while I finished season 1 of Stranger Things. If that's not a modern day relationship goal, then I don't know what is.
He tripped and fell all the way to the ground and then stood right back with out spilling a drop of his 3/4 full glass of rum and coke. It was like watching something from the matrix
I'm too drunk to make ramen. What the fuck is this.
Last night I realized I made a dick appt 2 MONTHS IN ADVANCE!!!!....... WHO THE HELL DOES THAT!?!? LMAO!
Randomize
