If the pens lose tonight I'm gonna drive to Detroit and burn 8 mile to the ground.
Actually I may do that regardless. Probably get my own holiday.
With sake I got over my irrational fear of seafood. Now I just fear sake.
I still have your handprint on my ass. You're not allowed to ignore me yet.
He is going to sleep with me. That's all there is to it. I'm 4 for 4 right now. I'm not making it 4 for 5.
Woke up in an unfamiliar pair of underwear, running shoes but no socks, and a cowboy hat. Thank you crown royal
The walk of shame out of a freshman dorm isn't so bad when you're 25, nobody questions you because they think youre gonna bust them for having weed
True that.. I am going to ride a gold plated unicorn across a field of cocaine and coach purses when I graduate.
That was beautiful.
The owner of this phone is no longer accepting texts from liars, assholes or married men. You figure out which one applies.
I told you all we needed steroids to survive the tour de franzia, like the bikers. But nobody listened...
And that is why we dont do tequila shooters at 1 in the afternoon. Because you go home with a beast like that
First night in my new apartment and I threw up in front of my neighbors door. Starting off this relationship strong.
I forgot to lock the bathroom door. He walked in, saw me on the toliet, nodded, and walked back out.
I'm sitting in my car avoiding a customer. Apparently the new year hasn't affected my attitude nor work ethic
I decided we werent gonna go for round 5 when he started trying to have a serious conversation about how blessed he is to have such a nice penis
He has a point, the man's penis is a legend.
Somehow my life has turned in to drug deals at the bar, and illegally camping on a mountain because I have no where else to live.
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