I asked what she wanted from Hawaii. She said a baby like Aaden from JK 8.
where am I supposed to find one of those?
soooo.. i guess the cop said he'd drop the charges if i go to some AA meetings and i said fuck AA. not one of my better choices.
He just said "Chunky" very loudly in his sleep.
These 3 days between Christmas and new years when all the bosses are on vacation are essentially a competition to see who can do the least amount of work
there's unknown territories my dick was not made to discover
when she started singing "you look better when im drunk" to my cat i realized it was time to take her home
Idea for the cake. Joints for candles. Do it.
This is home. And home is where you find your family. And you try not to make out with your family.
I'm watching Russian dudes pole-dance. For research.
but real talk, he made 1 phone call last night and had someone bring us tacos at 3am so idk I might be inlove
You are driving me to get new toys, i am test driving them on the way home.
We are taking your truck.
He called me for phone sex. Do you know how hard it is to fake an orgasm, and play Candy Crush at the same time?
I also told the bartender he probably had a beautiful spleen
All I'm wearing right now is a condom and a sock.
Just one?
Yup. One sock.
I shit myself and fell down the stairs and I’m still finding shit In those pants.
Randomize
