i guess you could say your face is two degrees of separation from my balls
yeah but it's new years. they should arrest people for being sober that day.
I wish there was a lawn mower version of Roomba so I could just drink and cheer it on from the stoop.
My dinner guests were so drunk they never realized that I inadvertantly put Frosted Mini Wheats on the salad instead of crutons.
We found her hiding in the bath tub.. And when i opened the curtain she replied "thank you" and walked out like nothing happened.
come over after work tomorrow, liz and i will make all of your wildest dreams come true. so long as your wildest dreams involve drinking champagne at my house with two girls who won't have sex with you.
She wasnt impressed wen i brought a guy for her back with me, a 3am impromptu sperm donor is not a gd birthday present. Im a bad gf.
The ratio of last drink to last smoke is so tricky. This could go on until the booze is gone
Got serenaded to on the streets of Denver...the song was about a young banana that made really big decisions, got stds, and joined a gang. I think I like Colorado
So many Oreos I'm regretting this decision already but I'm happy at the same time...The straddle is real
Struggle. Not straddle. I'm not straddling anyone.
I don't remember much from my 21st, but my mom said I insisted on the fat guy taking body shots off me
I love when my neighbors have passionate, loud sex to remind me that I'm not getting laid
I found a used condom in my purse this morning. It was in there with a bunch of smushed french fries.
My fire has petered out without you
My Peter has fired out without you
That might be the most romantic thing you’ve said to me, unfortunately.
then he said the sex was mediocre and that it was because of me. and that we could try again tomorrow.
it was 100% mediocre because of him, and we will 100% not be trying again tomorrow.
Randomize