What the hell am I supposed to do with 50 gallons of mayo?
I want to jerk off but my dog won't leave me alone. It's the most depressing cock block ever.
8am blowjobs give a whole new meaning to morning breath..
You're probably reading this when you wake up from your "nap" in the front yard. Maybe next week you should go to class, and not start Thirsty Thursday at 9:30 in the morning.
So I've decided to grow a vagina forest. Because I'm single and it's like a zen garden. Brings a new meaning to long hair don't care.
How bad is it I'm looking at his cock while waiting to see my therapist?
Had a dream I cut my own dick off. That's it I gotta see a doctor...
Umm
Exactly.
He told me I smelled like fruit loops and then bit me on the tit
Should we go get some celebratory "I'm not pregnant" tacos?
I woke up and there was a mans ass as my screensaver...
He showed up at my house with roses and a bottle of vodka... to watch a movie. obvi i took the vodka and didn't sleep with him
You know youre getting old when you I.D. the person trying to take you home to be sure they're over 25. Help me.
Hey I’m obsessed with Charlie Heaton from stranger things...not because he got caught at the border with coke...okay that’s a lot of it
In case you're wondering... Yes walmart will judge you for buying vodka and pickles at 645am.
Hey? Just a hypothetical. You ever accidentally kill somebody's cat on purpose? Like you didn't mean to but it had it coming? If you're wondering it tripped me while I was walking down the stairs and I landed on it as I fell.
Randomize
