Remember that night when i almost got you arrested? Is that funny yet?
He was so confused why there was a string hanging out of my vagina.
I guess calling a coworker a lesbian sea cow is some kind of violation.
just gave a homeless man a kiss in exchange for two handles
exact location. now.
I woke up with spaghetti in my mouth
the majority of my texts from you are at 3 AM & consist of either "I'm drunk", "you're asian", or "bratwurst"
just took my temp. 103. i wonder how tylenol and jager bombs are gonna mix
hey, its the girl who gave you a bloody nose and paid you back with a blow job. have you seen my shoes?
she stopped traffic so I could crutch across the street. Clubbing while crippled and drunk is different.
He would have to make magical things happen in my nether regions to actually make me vote republican.
This may be the alcohol talking, but I'm pretty sure I know Spanish now
I'm recreating the you're a wizard harry video with a guy on snapchat whilst having snapchat sex with another... Adulting is fun
his mom called during sex and he made me talk to her I think we're getting serious
...and if you can get the necessary ingredients to make the Buffalo Chicken Melt, I will latch forever at your Teat of Justice.
Also I've decided to start stealing shot glasses after I do the shots. You in?
Randomize
