swear to god some girl just crawled out of the washing machine. this is intense.
He had Jail Releases phone number programed into speed dial on his phone.
There's a person in my phone named motor boat. I love making new friends.
Dude, the lecture theatre is caving in on me.
I feel like he better crank it up to level RG IV tomorrow. It's the fucking playoffs.
Heard you had a bad day. I have vodka, chocolate and my dick here ready to put a smile back on your face.
I mean.. listen to "Put It In My Mouth" and you'll get the gist of my voicemail for you.
Currently playing charity bingo with coworkers so if u were ever gonna send a dick pic now is the time
I gave him morning sex, a bag of cookies, and dropped him off at work. I believe I deserve the "best hookup award."
It's not even 8 pm, or Saint Patrick's Day, and Kevin is drunk on my roof humping the air
The awkward moment when a lady ask you what kind of lipliner you're using, but really I have just finished eating hot cheetos.
I just said "you do you" to my penis.
She bruised my penis again. But, trooper I am we kept on going.
We got cut off at the bar, but it's okay because I tactically rolled behind the bar and grabbed a bottle of whiskey. Meet me in the back booth when you're done puking in the bathroom. This is about to get real slutty.
I think I should write my liver a thank you note. If it had my work ethic, I would be dead now.
Randomize
