my boyfriend just named your boyfriend's penis.
I'm in that stage of denial where I hope our kids have his nose.
You do realize that you broke up with him, right?
What do you do when the person in the stall next to you says they're jealous?
i was actually impressed that she managed to throw up underwater while scuba diving
I need to stop fucking people before I get to know them
I just don't want to have to pretend at every family function she brings him to that he didn't hit on me first
I hijacked a bellboy cart and rolled into the party dancing on it
random memory from the wedding, the bartender show us how to open the windows of the hotel and pee out of them
They conduct scientific research memoirs about what sort of shit happened last night after I ate those cookies.
I'll be there soon. I expect Advil and a bucket of kittens when I arrive.
Dude it's bad when your 10 year old son makes fun of your penis size.
If my mom walks in on me masturbating one more time I'm moving out
You'd think the first few times would have been enough
Know what's awkward? Having a couple of moving guys watch while you detach the bondage cuffs from your bedframe, that's what.
I offered to give him "road head" while he played GTA 5. I think he will be more optimistic about date night in the future.
I know... It's stupid... It's like, I have sex with his brother and bestfriend ONE time....
Randomize
