Needless to say when I told my parents they loved me less
this girl ate taco bell on my bed naked last night, it was the sexiest thing ive ever seen
We folded our dollar bills into airplanes. This really makes the strippers work for it. Like air miles.
I had five suicidal voicemails from him when I woke up this morning. They all started and ended with "DON'T FUCK MY ROOMMATES".
It was only one, it doesn't count.
I told him he was my first gentile. He was so flattered.
the awesomeness of being snowed in wore off after we ran out of beer and we realized we really didnt want to be stuck with everyone.
I just walked into my exam wearing a mans tshirt and Alex's size 13 crocs twenty min late carrying only a pencil and my heels...I'm not real
I think after that blow job he got the other day he'd set himself on fire if I asked.
I'm hungry
Come here to eat and play. It'll be like Dave and Busters except with sex
I'm worried my skin won't stretch enough to handle this boner. Then what?
Ok I am NOT pregnant. I could shove coal up my vagina and my uterus would turn it into a diamond in a matter of minutes
Jesus christ it's been two texts and we are already talking about dildos
Happy birthday, you long dick monster
Woke up this morning naked, wrapped in a bath mat with a wad of singles on the table. I'm calling it a win.
in the midst of studying i picked up my capsule full of untouched weed, popped it open, and whispered "soon" into it. midterms man
Randomize
