i just woke up to that girl in my doorway. I kid you not. Tan and lime green thong on. peeing on the carpet in the hallway. Then she collapsed. There is a load of towels in the wash. Just thought you should know when you wake up. Gross.
Cleveland boys shit in their own pumpkins in their own living room. Got pictures to prove it.
i wish i was a boy too so i knew what a blow job felt like
She fucked me because she said I looked like Neil Patrick Harris
What is wrong with this kid? He'll take ecstasy but won't take dayquil?
Nope, just sitting on the couch, eating an advent calendar, being depressed about the herps.
Why did I just find out you and Andrew had sex right next to my face when I passed out on the beach?
At the time it seemed romantic and its also extremely frowned down upon to leave a passed out person by themselves in an unfamiliar place.
Why did I wake up by myself then?
Me and the cabbie are stopping on the way at a sit down restaurant to eat. My life is so sad.
I don't know if it is the Everclear or chemistry, but i think my brain is coming out of my ears.
Thanks for the hickies, asshole. I make my living as a fitness instructor. It's gonna look reeeeeeal weird if I have to wear a scarf while teaching Zumba all week.
When nipples stop being hilarious I'll stop getting them out in public.
I want you to get off the plane and get directly into my pants
I guess that means I was blowing a nerd last week.
And loving it.
I should have listened to my dad and mean girls... If you have sex you'll get pregnant and die.
Company meeting and there he was. Felt a little weird like 'last night you were telling me how your dick loves me, and now we're listening to a report on sales figures'.
Randomize
