i'm the matthew mcconaghey of this party. i'm too old, and too high.
i'm so desperate for a drink right now i looked up the recipe to make pruno
9 of the 12 girls i had sex with in college are on facebook
it was an ugly road back then. i'm sure time hasn't been friendly.
Someone apparently named 'eleaw' just text me asking if I had fun last night.
i jsut waqnnna hugg thw crap outa sokme peoplee
since you saved your number in my phone as "the hot chick you met last Friday" I don't know who you are either
she's a dental assistant. she can get nitrous. kinda looks like a sloppy bucket of fuck. time to take one for the team. NEED SHOTS STAT!!
Ok, Jen and I are going out tonight and getting rowdy. I think you and Steph need to come. I understand if you can't, but not going out means you're automatically obligated to post bail. If necessary.
And please let him know I don't normally go off on long rants about feminist theory. That was totally the vodka talking.
Also the bouncer Straight up told me my id was shitty and I should get a new one. But he let me in anyways because #boobz
We gotta locate my vibrators and get them stashed away STAT
This girl was in the river screaming that someone didn't love her anymore...that's when the guy in a kilt claimed her...
Okay everything with a penis is officially dead in my eyes
Sometimes you gotta do what you gotta do... and then you need to delete the history so you're girlfriend doesn't see it.
After we fucked we sat in bed and watched Charlie St. Cloud and he fed me ice cream. It was probably the most romantic thing I've ever done.
Randomize
