I'd rather watch my mom take a shit while reading the sunday new york times than watch mama mia .
i just woke up to that girl in my doorway. I kid you not. Tan and lime green thong on. peeing on the carpet in the hallway. Then she collapsed. There is a load of towels in the wash. Just thought you should know when you wake up. Gross.
woke up to an overdrawn credit card. did you order the dawsons creek boxset last night?
i hope so.
After you took the handle off the bathroom door I had to coach the Scottish guy sitting on the toilet, throwing up in his own lap, how to put his pants back on. Yes, I think he won the drinking game.
You coming home soon, man?
HENBARSCLOSE
put me on a leash or i'm going to fuck someone
Just realized how sopa could affect my ability to watch porn, son of a bitch
I need to have some sort of hot sex experience in a mask.
I distinctly remember calling the anesthesiologist a "sneaky little bastard" directly to his face
I have no idea. He was just running around wearing a horse mask yelling "bumfuck" repeatedly. We figured we'd just let him get it out of his system.
I just had the most intense bikini wax of my life, i felt like i needed guardrails
Oh and Dustin informs me I'm a legend amongst the freshman, if you were wondering about my street cred
No. We can't get pedicures until my toenails grow back.
I just fuked with kevins application and made it say that he does conjugal visits for community service
hey some people donate their time while apparently kevin donates his body
I just peed on myself the semester has officially began.
Randomize
