I mean don't get me wrong, vaginas are terrifying, they look so sneaky with all their layers and secret compartments and trap doors
i think of them as a grilled chicken salad and a fried chicken biscuit. obviously Amy is better for me, but when i'm eating her all i can think about is how much better the blonde must taste.
Would love to except that I crashed into a hearse in a funeral procession about an hour ago so I think that pretty much put an end to my day.
it's like i need an invisible sign across my boobs that says "DOESN'T HAVE DADDY ISSUES" that only old men can see
I'm a little upset you wasted 3 beers on your wet tee shirt contest.
She slapped his drink out of his hand to get him to leave the bar while he and I were having an intense debate about the lyrics to mmmbop
Every time I there's a break up, I'm left with an animal. That's it. No more mutual pets.
He asked me if I wanted to play "Edouard Mandevan," turns out that's French for Edward Winehands
Kinda forgot to grab tampons. Mind if I run to my house to get one? I'd rather not turn my green skinny jeans Christmas colors
'go have sex with her' ddoes not count as wingman
Just considered playing a drinking game with powerade with my sister so she would get some fluids in her. I do so well with sick people.
That's why my New Years resolution was no more blondes. They're all bad news
Beer and xanax may be a bad combo, but I don't really care due to the beer and the xanax.
I'm pretty sure I just came a kidney stone..
Hard not to be concerned when you call me, tell me you've discovered the secret to flying, vomit, then hang up the phone. So yes, I'm coming to pick you up.
Randomize
