If Ritalin and Plan B had an illegitimate child it would smell like me.
when i was 16 reading the aftercare instructions at the piercing place i wondered why they would ever think to warn me about getting semen in my bellybutton
then i met college
I made out with the bride. You tell me how my night was
We went out. i got lost. dunno where they were. they slept in the car. i slept in an outdoor shower. i dont know anything else.
Hypothetically, how much legal trouble do you think i will be in for stealing someone's dog?
Got a stripper to howl at my wolf shirt.
Yeah, he said he was getting "welcome back Winnipeg Jets drunk" then puked on his jersey.
Dude, just found out there's a monster in a video game named after me. No more dating nerds.
A little, yeah. We were stealing firewood from the neighbors (drunk), and figured it would be 10 times harder to be angry with us if we got caught if we were naked, and 100% more hilarious.
When we pulled over so you could pee, you made us stand over you and "make a roof"
And thanks to you I'm pretty sure I'm banned from every qdoba in south carolina. And cab company
The dude is a cop how would I ever date a cop I wouldn't be able to talk about the first TWENTY-SEVEN years of my life!
in fetal position in his closet not sure if he knows im here... hugging his spongebob cake pan i stole.... now please come find me..
That's why we have robots to masturbate for us
I love Texas men! TSA agent found my vibrator, nodded approvingly, and said, “You have a nice night, ma’am” with a cowboy accent. I almost made out with him on the spot
Randomize
