Dude I got a text from you at 1:30 last night and you didn't use any vowels
Haha, I didn't want to buy any... we're in a recession you know
just went trash diving in my work clothes for weed. A&E's intervention here i come.
Spent 30 minutes in the board meeting trying to figure out where the foul smell was coming from. Thought it was the guy's feet sitting next to me. Then i uncrossed my legs. Turns out it was my vagina. Thank goodness for travel size febreeeze.
When the officer tried to stop you, you just shouted your name in his face. repeatedly.
By the way when you were super fucked up last night, you ate cat food and tried to tell me it was healthy for you
If he can forgive your lousy blowjobs, you can ignore his terrible driving.
She started telling me about this odd patch of smooth skin under her boobs. Not sure if she was hitting on me or looking for free advise from a doctor...
I mean, I still played with her tits for like 20min tho.
the last thing i remember was the norwegian kid tacking a bag of wine to the ceiling, then boom! shower drain.
Nah I've been there. The worst you'll see is some hobo peeing in a sewer at 3 am on a Saturday
Dude the little bong I just got fits nicely in the cup holder in my car. The gods approve of my habits.
do you remember yelling out "insecurity makes my pussy dry!" unnecessarily loud at the bar?
You seem to be avoiding the poop question. How did you poop on your hand?
He sent me a flaccid dick pic from the bathroom at the bar and he said I'm sorry it's not all hard and good looking. Props to him - I did ask for a pic.
She texted me this morning asking why all of her house pillows were inside her mini-van.
So thats where i built my buckingham palace
Just got back from a Walmart run. The music went straight from Kid Rock to John Phillip Souza. If that doesn't scream 'MURICA I don't know what will. Happy 4th!
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