On my way home i need to take a massive dump and couldn't wait.
You know you have a problem when you walk into your bathroom find kettle one in your shower and a note you wrote yourself when drunk that says "panties at jared leto's" on your counter
too bad being hungover isnt a job. just threw up from 9am to 5pm
OK, the bar's closing. Do I go to home to my wife or my girlfriend?
My warmest regards to the fish in that koi pond I puked in.
I'm pretty sure we organized our beer pong teams according to who's been circumsized...
I give him a gold star every time I orgasm. His room looks like he's freaking King Midas.
You tried to initiate "Occupy McDonald's" when the cashier didn't give you enough ketchup.
Your list of "good ideas" thumbtacked to the lampshade last night consisted of nothing but "tampon-pen" with a note indicating that girls could then always have something to write with, even naked.
We left the knife in your bed.
nothing like having plan b for breakfast in a cvs parking lot before ordering this semester's textbooks
He's talking about me being Slave Princess Leia and how he'll chain me up. I don't have the heart to point out that he would be Jabba in that scenario...Is it bad that his lack of SW knowledge is destroying my lady boner?
the worst fight me and my gf ever had was over Guy fieri
Banged former boss. Adulthood achievement unlocked.
So is it your turn now to pretend like dating someone else would stop us from fucking?
Randomize
