The cop didn't care that I was peeing on the wall of my dorm building... All he said was, "come on, it's 9am."
I'm tuning in to watch Heidi Montag crash and burn on the Miss Universe Pageant. Somebody call 911. and I'm not talking about the Sean Kingston song.
Dude. No way. She insults the term butterface. She's a butternothing.
You made eat vitamins until I threw up
Does peppermint hummus sound good or am I just high?
Think of this as an opportunity. Like Jesus just opened up his closet, and inside is an endless supply of huge, beautiful cock.
You're the only person that can successfully use titties and Jesus in the same sentence.
Hey I came back and we made joints with the breathalyzers the cops left last night.
HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO GET MY FUCKING CUPCAKES WHEN THE GROUNDSWORKER I HOOKED UP WITH IS LOITERING IN THE VENDING AREA
DON'T WEAR PANTS.
I REPEAT.
DO. NOT. WEAR. TROUSERS.
Do you realize half our text conversations are you asking me for tit pics and me saying no?
it's pretty awkward texting you how much I want to suck your cock when I have my mom on speakerphone.
On my way
Apparently the cops had to handcuff me in order to get me to come with to the hospital with them. They asked me if I had had any experience with handcuffs before and I replied, "Only in bed." What a life
Thanks for ruining my life with your man penis
All right well I’m making her sugar cookies and sleeping with her husband tonight. Just another manic Monday
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