OMG MY MOM JUST ASKED IF I WAS GETTING PAP SMEAR TOMORROW VERY LOUDLY WHILE WE ARE STANDING IN A VERY PUBLIC LINE.
anyone who says 'i love you' and then followed by 'im going to call the cops if you touch me' doesnt really mean the first part fyi
I think i accidentally made vodka pancakes
The last thing I remember is him grabbing my ass and telling me he knew where the jello shots were, so I followed him.
MISSING: One left eyebrow. Reward if returned.
stop bragging. last time i got laid i got double pink eye, and it was so not worth it
I got written up at work for smelling like sex and vodka. Still not sure how they put that into professional terms.
You told me my blanket felt like ground beef.
Nothing like hearing "I found your pinky nail" before you even noticed it was missing.
This Alex the guy who suck your belly ring
If we're single and alone together, the fuck angels shall sing upon our nude bodies.
I lost all of my bathing suit tops.. This is both a success and a failure
It's getting to the point where my ability to get dick pix during the work day is impressing even me. Take that, adulthood!
did the thing where I quickly swipe right to every girl on Tinder & matched with my sis. God I hope swiping carelessly is hereditary
Guy peeing and puking at the same time in the women's restroom? So impressed that I can't be offended
Randomize
