took him home. told him i would rock his world. passed out. a for effort f for follow thru
My professor just gave everyone in the class extra credit... except for the kid wearing the Cubs hat
His birthday is on fathers day. I know its a cruel coincedence but this is too funny to pass up.
Oh, and no balcony sex...trust me.
I was handcuffed to a girl for half-an-hour. And I'm still the only one in the house who didn't get laid.
Were you paying girls to come up and grab my cock and tell me I look like bradley Cooper?
Either I'm too drunk or she gave me a hand job to the rhythm of jingle bells.
She just broke into my apartment while I was asleep, woke me up and drunkenly tried to seduce me for about 2 minutes, then passed out..
Just told my mom I need money for Molly. She was not happy
So there I was, eye fucking the waiter and I spilled beer all down my boobs
If my vagina were a person, it just ran a marathon.
When I woke up this morning I swear my mouth tasted like dick and rolaids.
i swear a herd of elephants who like to smoke weed lives directly above our room
just showered sitting down cuz standing seemed like too much work, thursdays need to stop making me their bitch.
i was watching the elves fighting on my knees while waiting for the shrooms to kick in then i realized
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