I was born with a shot glass in my hand
Me liking this guy is the best diet ever. Do I want this cookie...or do I want to get laid.
I shall celebrate this moment with a beer conveniently located in the sock drawer directly to the right of me.
Dude i just want you to know that when i found you half your mustache was already gone. I didn't do it.
Just interrupted a freshman tour to ask where the sexual health center is. Figured I'd just give us all what we were really looking for.
explain the broken jalepenos in my underwear drawer?
we spent fifteen minutes trying to convince you that you weren't locked inside of your car
Just got offered to exchange moonshine for manscaping services by a gay guy. I'm gonna have the smoothest back in St. Louis county.
I told him I had AIDS after he bit me. His dad cried. I think I just ruined the little guy's 3rd birthday, but he had in coming.
I feel that shower jager is exactly what this man needs after last night.
You're a disgrace to gay men everywhere.
You're the third person who's asked me for an afternoon blow connection in one day. Unreal.
That's more of a you-issue than a me-issue
And I'm still awake, and you left me. Like the guy on Jurassic Park, that jumped out of the car expecting me to save myself while there is a man eating T-rex ready to tear my ass apart except theres a mathematician and paleontologist there to save me because they are bad asses.
Dude. My knees have no hair on them and they're bruised. My thigh is killing me. I have about 1000 texts to about 5 exes which I horribly regret. I have pictures of my own penis on my phone. I can't find my iPad. And I have work in an hour.
She gave me a boner for the first time in 9 years.
I don't know who he was but he was covered up with a shower curtain and ate a whole bottle of tums
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