My grandmother just called to say she disowned me. Apparently I uploaded a video to Youtube of me dancing nude with a blow-up doll named Dorothy, last night. You are so fired from being damage control.
The woman at walgreens tried to sell me clearance condoms with my fake eyelashes. Does it look like I get laid?
i was out of cigarettes so i took the butts out of the ashtray, emptied them out, and proceeded to roll one big Frankenstein cigarette.
you told all the 17 year old girls at the party that your mating call was "I glitter in the sun"
I dk what to do with this kid he is like legitimately interested in my life.
Well I woke up with a note on me reading Dear Passed Out Girl, and ending with why I shouldn't drink so much. Damn Tequilla.
So I'm probably the first guy in history to tap out of a blowjob.
Good. I hope they all got E.Coli from snorting coke off of some homeless prick's asshole.
I think a van full of parolees just blew me kisses. Thoughts?
The cleaning lady has moved my vibrator twice now so I would say I'm pretty ready to move out.
I see your creepy poodle photo and raise you a shirtless elderly gentleman who looks like a yetti in cutoffs who may or may not have an ENORMOUS erection.
.... touche....
I'll have to text you later. Trying to have civilized conversations with the boyfriends parents when I'm 100% aware I just blew their son in the bathroom 5 mins ago. Stay tuned.
He offered to take my unemployed self out for drinks, but I really just want him to buy me the Beyoncé album
I told my mom Jesus would want me to snort drugs on his birthday
Shhh embrace your inner whore. Just embrace it.
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