Is it a bad sign when i blow my nose && can smell vodka?
I was being carried out of the bar, but then my friend saw Pat who just got kicked out scaling the wall to sneak back in, so he carried me back in, sat me on the bar stool, and the bartender just let us all keep drinking.
Being persistent has its perks my friend.
we were having sex in the bathroom when his aunt knocked on the door
and rather than go out and meet her, i climbed out the window. so now she thinks he was masturbating and moaning his own name in a really girly voice
Girls don't like it when you cum inside them and then discuss baby names.
why the FUCK would i wear makeup on my vagina!?
Dood you jacked it to warcraft. you can't come back from something like that
everything was going good until you started showing off the pictures of poop you took with your phone
I told him I would sleep with him if he could name all the colors of the wind.
you told the cab driver to stop being such a pussy because he wouldn't let you shotgun a beer in the backseat
You force fed me chocolate chips and avocados for 3 hours and kept asking me about my trip to sweden when I was 4.
I'm just learned what a rim job is, I feel like crying
I totally just pulled my thong out of my purse at the grocery store. Oops.
Do exhausted, barely concealed hand jobs count as joining the mile high club?
Waking up drunk is great, waking up drunk and hanging with your mom is even better.
I'm on my third roll of toilet paper. Today can fuck right off.
Randomize
