Seriously, stop being so datable w your movie/song prefs
Yeah, we realized keeping you in a cage wasn't beneficial to us
I don't think so, think I've only met him once, the night I lost my teeth
Okay good. And who the fuck put a condom on my foot. That shit hurt
My life now consists of 2 time frames. BV before vibrator and AD after death of my sex life.
only in a texas roadhouse would someone whistle while I was breastfeeding.
Hes wearing a shirt that says warning shitshow and i cant help but think his attorney made him wear it so ppl know the dangers.
Whatever happend to that lawsuit where he got sued for shittig in that fish tank
He ran over from the bar to give me more singles because the stripper was doing gymnastics on me. He is a really great friend, just probably not the best boyfriend.
Please don't mistake my med student status for responsibility. I'm drinking tequila while studying vascular surgery techniques.
She told me that for every Ravens touchdown, I'd get to come once.
Marry her. Marry her now. I'll help you steal the ring.
The laundromat is nothing like In the pornos
I wanna trust fall face first on a penis.
I fell into a police barricade, a cop helped me up and asked if I've been drinking. I just looked at him and said "dude.." He proceeded to take out his handcuffs
All I remember is your girlfriend laying on the bathroom floor and me crawling in and asking if it was okay to puke.
I just snorted sandwich everywhere.
I hope it smells nice :)
IT DOESN'T BECAUSE I HAVE MEAT COMING OUT OF MY NOSE, DAMNIT.
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