I just egged your windshield and it froze on contact. Have fun with that.
The floor and the wall just switched. I'm falling.
She walked in on her brother jacking off and she hasn't been the same since. She's been crying and shaking non-stop. It's been two weeks.
There are 18k people at the game and I'm next to the one guy who pulls his underwear down to his ankles to piss.
The real reason I can't work: it's Tuesday. I get stoned and watch Buck Rodgers on Tuesday.
We need to do something soon. I need like 4,000 beers and a cigarette.
Remember that time I got suspended in eighth grade, well it was like that but I was on acid and wearing goggles
The guys are trying to figure out my orientation....think theyve settled on "drunksexual"
You know you were way drunk when you wake up at 7 AM halfway on a couch, tangled in a sheet with your shoes still on.
The doctor said that if they accidentally damage my nerve endings I could permanently lose feeling in my lower jaw.. Honestly the first thing that came to mind was how that would affect my blowjob skills.
Her new crush is a 6'2" guacamole baron that may also be a Jedi.
For now I'm a single mom monday-thursday and a drunk looking for dick the rest of the week
I am NOT losing my v-card to a guy who doesn't know my ass from my elbow.
Learned two new lessons today: 1) Do not identify pills found in one's car by taking them to see what happens, especially while at work, and 2) There is no logical reason to keep ambien in one's vehicle...
I’ve wanted to home wreck him since their wedding. It was a dream come true
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