my night went downhill once I lost my bikershorts. EAWSSSSYY ACCESS
my 3 year old cousin just woke up screaming "IT WON'T GO DOWN!'
hey, we don't wanna leave the house because we're watching fireworks on tv. this is america.
Awesome, the library of congress archived all tweets. Now my great great grandchildren can pinpoint the date they inherited alcoholism.
Best part: she drunkenly told me I'm dangerous then slurred to my parents that I should watch out in case I fall in love with her. Then she mounted a pinata
As if me making pizza in a skillet wasn't enough proof that I was in no state to be cooking, this burn blister on my hand is
As she was leaving she said "You have an awesome penis, I hope to use it again soon" I need that on a business card to hand out at the bar
I found an HIV test/information brochure on the kitchen table and what i can only assume to be an "I'm sorry you might have AIDS" gift bag, complete with a candle and popcorn, and I haven't seen you in 36 hours. You good?
I just got peed on. This karma circle is starting to get vicious.
Okay. We're coming naked. We need Saran wrap and plastic forks.
do i respond to the booty call for the guy with the bigger dick or the one who has the gourmet coffee i like so much? at this point i'm leading toward the coffee
Wow. Last night.
I knew you were shit blasted when you called me your "sunflower queen"
what's your room number? I've never been there sober...
When the stripper from this weekend is your cashier at Publix the next day 😐💀#pensacolaproblems
So I slept with some guy last night and when I woke up in the am couldnt remember his name. I text him n asked "How do you spell your name?" to try n find out and all he replied was "With an A." WTF!?
Randomize
