Your one and only job is to make sure I am on that bus tomorrow morning with no cat makeup on my face
Aside from the fact that there's a penis in my mouth, that's a pretty good picture of me
he actually managed to pick a girl up by telling her that her skirt was ugly and she didnt do a good job with her makeup. thats some seriously low selfesteem
I hijacked a bellboy cart and rolled into the party dancing on it
Learned my lesson. Pink pantydroppers out of a beer bong=deceiving
I'd be there a lot sooner if these damn stairs would stop moving.
Is 9am too early to be eating a mozzarella stick I found in my purse? Yeah didnt think so. The fact that it tastes like vomit is concerning but not importanta.
I walked out of the bedroom naked holding a used condom only to be greeted by half of my family. Happy birthday mom
You come home the day the world is supposed to end. Well played Mayans.
How high is the bridge and how deep is the water and what are the chances I will get arrested
You're talking about alcohol when the smell of hand sanitizer is too much for me right now
Turns out the bartender I fucked is the bar owner. WHY THE FUCK DO I PAY FOR HALF MY DRINKS? IS SEX NOT TIP ENOUGH?
I promise not to pretend to be Jesus and take the wheel. But to my credit you shouldn't be saying that while I'm that drunk and we are in a car.
You're lucky I'm holding your vagina in my best interests
You fucked him, didn’t you?
He showed up at my house with tacos, rum and a negative Covid test. Of course I fucked him. I’m just a simple girl that likes tacos, not Margaret Thatcher!
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