Just mixed vicodin and mucinex. This cold just got fun.
we ran out of cups so i finished the night drinking out of a paint can.
It's like being the dunk pilot of a plane full of pornstars and drunkenness.
Im in the bathtub drunk. Less than an hour before the interview. This will be the best or worst career move ever., support?
I'm beginning to think the only reason I get laid anymore is girls are fantasizing sleeping with my dad...
So I think I might just embrace the awkwardness and say he fingerblasted her cause thats the greatest word in existence
This american gymnastics guy.... He just messed up. I feel so bad. I just wanna hug him until he stops crying. Not even in a sexual way. I just wanna hug him.
We're you guys there last night when everyone started chanting "Nacho Steph"? Someone picked me up, carried me to the nacho cheese and made me do a nacho cheese stand.
I just watched Matt try to put on a pillowcase thinking it was a t-shirt.
Don't masturbate while listening to Pandora. Just came during a buffalo wild wings commercial and I feel really weird about it.
You know it's bad when I'm eating a cold chicken breast alone in bed 😕
My professor just paused class to answer a phone call from her dog. Im taking shots before this class from now on.
Don't forget to bring $1s for the strippers. Make it rain!!!!
Thanks, mom, will do
Unfortunately i'm awake, hungover, and covered in something I'm pretty sure is Easy Cheese. Send help.
I hate closet cases. I've been wooing this chick the entire quarantine. We finally meet up tonight, we're two drinks in, I've got my hand half way up her skirt and her husband calls. She promised to bring home dinner.
Randomize
