I'm drunk at a fancy martini bar, wearing jeans, drinking cheap vodka that I brought in my purse. Got thrown out of court for using my cell phone. All in all calling Thursday a success.
Don't be mad at me. I know peeing in your drawer is 1 thing and peeing on you while you're sleeping is another, but im sorry..i love you
they said they heard you say put it in my butt
I puked in the pool and didn't tell them, then they all went swimming. Is it dick to just sit back and enjoy the show?
You didn't want to have sex last night because you said your grandpa just died and you didn't want him watching..
I may or may not juuuust be reaching the point where I find some humor from waking up in the parking lot at the standard.
He dodged my hug and greeted me with a fist bump. I slept with him the night before. The only thing worse would have been a greeting by chest bump.
Dude I walked 1.4 miles through the hotel wearing a cowboy hat, pink topped boots, gucci shades, and a scarf and met my parents in the hallway at 7 am how is this not a good start to Vegas?
I want "hickeys on my ass" sex
Babies are disgusting. I held one once. Then I washed my hands and rinsed my mouth out with wine.
You pretended to pelvic thrust my mother on the boat while my 92 year old grandmother looked on. Thanks.
I couldn't drink enough to fuck the friend, you said challenge accepted and stole some chicks shot.
I woke up in a lawn chair by the lake to some man revving his boat motor at me.
I just gave him road head. He came in the Taco Bell drive thru which seems pretty typical for my life.
It's so obvious he's evil. I mean, would a non-evil person have facial hair like that?
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