Hehe I wanna Australian kiss.. Its like a French kiss but down under ;)
he rolled over and started playing skeeball on his iphone after we had the best sex yet considering he only lasted 10 seconds last time.. im getting standards.. tomorrow. for now im just going to enjoy the fact i counted over 20 this time.
you don't remember? you called me at 330 crying because you were in the middle of having sex with corey and forgot his name. all you kept saying was i'm a drunk bitch.
Why is there a cactus in the microwave?
Don't worry about it.
I don't know what happen last night but the fact that it's 9 am and I need to put my dick in something means it didn't go as planned.
He gave me his business card. It was a Justin Bieber trading card with his number written in sharpie. I have to call him don't I?
Fuck I am starving. I don't think I've eaten in the past two days.
You didnt need to. Gin is like eggs, its a perfectly nutrionally balanced meal.
Also, just had a student offer to sell me Xanax. Want some? Just for like a rainy day. Or our memorial day shitshow. Or just another Wednesday night.
High moment. Almost just passed the blunt to the dog.
I am the prescription. I can be taken orally or vaginally and in any dosage. This is why I went to med school.
Why did you load my phone up with pics of Al Gore?
The ONLY reason I am doing laundry is because all my sweatpants are dirty.
You used your chihuahua as a pillow screaming "HE'S A PILLOW AND A PET" and proceeded to puke in the dog bed
so, i guess i gotta chill on showing up to work hungover... someone anonymously left a bible in my work mailbox (no one else got one)
I don't need inspirational quotes. If I'm going to be motivated, it will be by anger and spite.
Randomize
