Dude I think I vomited on the wireless internet box too...it isnt working.
She agreed that we could have sex whenever I wanted and I could let someone else meet my mom.
It's like hey here is one penis enjoy nothing but that for the rest of your life
This chic sharing the cab with me just started givin me head. I'll be an extra 5 minutes.
Uh, he still talks to you after you basically sexually harassed him using emojis?
He has a bathrroom scale in his room with an alarm attached to it so anything over 150 sets it off and in his drinking stupper he can make a run for it.
Stop calling him just to say, "my vagina misses you."
Like I owe him sex. Hell fucking no. I owe myself sex. With a celebrity. Or a clean pornstar. Who knows.
He was so high he started playing Twister on the striped rug. Then when we missed midnight he went on a screaming rampage about his New Year's Eve being meaningless. How do you think it went?
I want to see a guy holding a pizza and a bottle of scotch and a box of magnums. I'm a simple woman.
Apparently I offered the cop my Taco Bell.
Desperate times...
I think I achieved my goal of being high for 24 hours in the same week I promised myself I wouldn't smoke anymore
Still drunk, heading to class.
It's 3 a.m. Dude
Doesn't mean I'm not at my desk. Ill wait.
You kept crying and I couldnt help but laugh at you, I was really high though.
She got a boob job, dumped her husband, became a stripper, got a DUI in her Porsche and is now dating her lawyer
I’m making her my life coach if med school doesn’t work out
Randomize
