I think she heard me call her a fat skank. But she was to be fair.
you were so high you spent the rest of the night smelling pepper to prove you can sneeze with your eyes open
I thought short asians scared me, however seeing my first tall asian I'm terrified.
I can get head just about anywhere nowadays so that's not much of an incentive, coffee on the other hand...
I think the imperative here is that I literally knocked down a sorority house with the force of my dick.
Hey man thanks for carrying me in and out of that frat house. There's no I in team.
Apparently I was trying to convince him Springsteen has had buttsex. I ended the argument with "I bet he came from it too."
Fairly certain I called dibs on your lesbian virginity last night
Just successfully went through airport security with shrooms. It's gonna be a fucking awesome new years
Btw had an awesome time last night. Found some blood on my shirt and ear but I'll chalk it up to the tequila shots.
Jesus christ. I put you on speaker when you called me last night and you told me to brush my teeth with a dick.
Happy hour crawl turned into power happy hour turned into tequila shots turned into I'm drunk in class on Cinco de Mayo at 7 am.
Are you alive? Cause this is my official "im actually alive" text.
I just found three upside down bottles of grapejuice in a triangle around the air freshener above my toilet... I guess it was one of those nights
I AM DRUNK AND AGGRESSIVE ABOUT CURLING!
The US is in the finals, aren't they.
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