then i got kicked out of the bar for trying to pay my $30 bar tab in sacajawea dollar coins
new low: my hungover self just mistook bacon grease for mashed potatoes. worst. mistake. ever.
There will be two dogs there to provide supervision. Not to worry.
Is it sad that i just saw my moms thumb on the table & i instinctively put mine down cuz i thought she was thumbmaster?
Sometimes you gotta take mushrooms and swim on a rooftop pool to figure out your relationship
Only at Harvard can you walk in on a bunch of stoners and expect everyone to immediately stand up, shake your hand and introduce themselves like we're at a fucking job fair
You ninja crawled over five sleeping guys to get in my room at 6 in the morning to wake me up for sex
...and I think that may just be my favorite moment in our fuckbuddyship
My head feels like Jesus is projectile vomiting hammers on it
On the plus side I'm getting really good at painting the inside of a toilet with my bowels.
I just slipped on ice and peed on my pea coat. There's a pun there but I'm too sad to make it
He just walked in on me naked with a beer in my hand eating a calzone in bed. If he wasn't in love with me before...
Guys are like someone else's baby; i'll play with them but if responsibility is involved i'll hand them off.
The boob job was worth every penny just to see the expression of pure joy on his face the first time he saw them.
It's my birthday. I should be drinking mimosas in a top hat, not working.
Nope. I'm an adult now. I can successfully avoid to vomit in defiance of the porcelain god\n
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