Thanks for getting me home last night.
No worries. I'll always be there for you, just like Mufasa.
The cereal milk was almost black, the bacon was still frozen and the toast was soggy. And that was BEFORE I puked in her lap.
This wouldn't happen so much if fat girls would just stop being so damn easy.
I just woke up naked clutching a Taco Bell bag.
I puked in the revolving door and had to sit down on the escalator. That hungover. It's safe to say people are judging me.
disregard all texts ive sent you minus taco motherfucking bell
Apparently it's ok to apply for building permits drunk. I feel like there definitely is a law preventing that.
I am in macy's and just straight up heard an old lady taking a crap in her depends.
Maybe it was silver. I don't know. I was drunk sifting through my dogs vomit.
Dude.. full face helmets and hangovers do not mix... I am never going to get rid of the smell of puke.
I am currently watching him baptize himself in a baby pool with a handle of belvedere while wearing a coral dress.
I want to have sex with him.
New year means new boundaries for the Brazilian lady.. I'm pretty sure I got wax on my asshole
I just tried to brush my hair with a can opener. Who gave you that brownie
he told me that I'm basically going to be the mom of the house when they move in...i like to see it as being a MILF without the responsibility of real children
I woke up on the damn lawn again...it's not even summer yet
Randomize
