my tampon string is in my asshole... do you think i can get it out without anyone noticing?
i'd get off the bar first.
I just remembered Dan asking me all polite in the middle of sex "do you mind if I get behind you?" that was the most polite way I've been asked to do it doggy style
Get dressed up for her? please, I could shit my pants and she would still blow me
Agreed. Everyone should experience a blackout before 3pm in their lifetime.
These people keep looking at me like I'm the first person to ever eat ribs in a Home Depot.
and I'm sitting five inches from the tv scrunched up in a ball watching doug. It's like I'm five again...except I'm more stoned than the dude who created this show
Apparently my type is "guy whose parents had unprotected sex on Halloween". Last week was my ex's, my FWB's, and the guy I'm seeing's birthdays.
I feel like death gave me a hand job
okay the fridge is completely filled only with alcohol. Not even exaggerating. There is no food.
Sometimes I wonder if we're going to make it to 40.
Playing nyquil pong with a cat again
I'm happy in my shell. My shell which consists of keeping guys in the friend zone and me masturbating...
THIS IS NOT A DECISION I MADE AT ONE IN THE MORNING IM JUST GETTING AROUND TO TELLING YOU ABOUT IT NOW
He used his penis as a drumstick on my back and had me guess what song he was playing.
I would professionally fuck the shit out of her
There’s an entire generation of people out there who didn’t grow up watching Mr. Rogers and it shows. These Boomers need to get their shit together.
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