When I'm drunk and can't pee, I sing my abc's in my head and try to pee before I get to pee. Last night I forgot to do it in my head
some guy just asked me if water gets in a vag when girls take a bath. WTF. it's not a wind tunnel!
I got a Cease & Desist email from NBC for downloading Bruno. I am not going down for gay porn.
Sorry no. I've already promised my first single hookup to somebody.
Me+graduation party+hammered drunk+polish horseshoes in the dark= black eye, crying, pissed, passed out in my dress... How was your weekend?
I woke up with a fake mustache stuck to my chest and I can't even hold down water.
he just sent me a picture of his penis sticking through a piece of paper that he had drawn a stick figure with tits on it that said "you"
I dont care how high you are "yes" is not the correct response to "what do you want from Taco Bell" Mom.
Im officially canceling McCormick Monday. I got a raise.
Sooo grey goose Tuesday?????
bringing my vibrator into the shower with me. if I don't text back in 30 minutes I have electrocuted myself and died.
May the force be with you.
Being single/not living at home sucks. All I want is someone I can force to pick up my pizza for me so I don't have to talk to anyone.
She wanted to get out of there before you guys woke up so she wouldn't let me find my underwear. Lol So I apologize to whoever finds that in your room.
stupid neighbors doing stupid yard work with their stupid kids when i want to do drugs in the backyard
I'm still thinking about that amazing orgasm last night. I literally heard angels singing "Hallelujah!!"
Good morning beautiful! Wanna steal a cat this weekend?
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