So I just opened the bag you gave me and those panties aren't mine...
oh
I had a dream last night that Anthony Bourdain gave me a vibrator.
My poo smells like dog food. That's how I know it was a good night.
I can't really talk right now. I'm getting on a plane to Oregon to go give a guy a bj. I'll see you in three days.
Housing is going to charge us for any broken dishes/glassware. Steal as many glasses as you can from the bars tonight. I got the baking dish and 3 plates covered.
Yeah he doesn't get it. We had to change the subject to Keanu reeves before someone got hurt.
Things I had in my bed when I woke up: an avocado, a toilet brush, and a note that says thanks but no thanks with the number of taco bell on it. WHAT DID I DRINK?
I just brushed my teeth. In the car. With watered down Sprite. From Saturday. Multi-tasking at its finest.
This is amazing. I can pinpoint the window in time that you lost all sanity.
The window painters skipped us. They didn't know what to do with the giant SMOKE WEED in the window. So they just skipped it.
I feel like passing out with my foot on your face has bonded us at a very fundamental level.
This power is too much for most humans to handle safely. It's like having the nuclear launch codes, except it's my penis.
I just wanna get high and take a fucking awesome nap. Those are my goals for the week.
Hold on...did you Instagram a picture of you and your boyfriend while you were sending me dirty snapchats?
The closest thing I've had to an orgasm lately is sneezing nonstop from fucking allergies.
Randomize
