I have way too many pictures of poop on my phone
then you asked me to turn your jeans into "jorts" just long enough to cover your ballsack
i just farted in the library and heard some girl yell it was sulfur gas. can. not. move.
Just saw a girl leaving CVS on her bike with a case of beer. She tried to ride one handed with the case under her other arm and fell over off the sidewalk. I'm glad to see someone else's life is a bigger joke than mine.
Midnight run for medical supplies ended several hours later with a lapdance to the Braveheart soundtrack.
I guess I'm in a committed relationship. We just had shot 1 of 3 of Gardasil. I'm now dead inside.
Way to high for badminton right now. This is gonna be a shitshow.
Someone just bought me a one liter long island and call me maybe is on. I'm going to die
He asked me if the reason I slept around is because I grew up in a broken home. I am so done fucking Christians.
I found out he put two potatoes in a jar because he wants to make his own vodka.
PENIS EMOJIS WOULD MAKE MY LIFE SO MUCH EASIER GAH WHY DOES THE WORLD HATE ME
I feel sorry for the person who's phone number is 704-1776 cause from now on I'm giving that number to every guy I never wanna talk to again. Happy Independence Day
My Easter Basket from my parents consisted of one chocolate bunny and a massive amount of condoms and a single note saying "the pope approves of the use of condoms" love mom and dad
at this point, i'm only going to therapy to get more free condoms
When he identified himself as captain clitoris i knew my night was fucked.
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