just checked my call log and realized that we talked for 3 mns. what did i say for that long?
pretty standard. you have fun last night?
apparently....what exactly does 'pretty standard' mean?
typical hot then cold, followed by a death threat.
I just heard a teenager say to his friend "dats my baby! i was hittin her up on myspace like gurllll. she got me steamin". must have missed the memo its 2005 and we still use myspace.
The smiley face on that pregnancy test is so damn taunting. It's like it's laughing at me for my poor choices.
He went down on me and then slapped my ass saying "thanks for the confidence boost"... is this all I'm good for?
We talked him into tasing himself.
You wouldn't be the first friend to shit himself in the last 7 days
After this weekend, it looks come this holiday season I'll be walking in a winter abortionland.
Fun fact of the day: Our cat does not like rum.
Its the least I can do really, I mean, I did sleep with her husband...
He spelled Steven with "ph", needless to say my nose was almost bleeding from the amount of axe he was wearing.
How drunk do you think I'll be by the time I get home?
I just watched you drink a whole glass of wine through a Twizzler. Pretty drunk.
Oh and .... you'll love this: my life coach says you writing my online dating profile isn't a horrible idea.
His Instagram is like a gay porn blog all of the sudden got conquered by the Mormon missionary that he is
Your phone just changed "liver" to "liquor" how dose that make you feel
It's not my fault, Tequila turned all my alarms off.
Randomize
