So I just went home and made my own spanx by cutting the legs off of a pair of nylons. I'm either a genius or missed my calling to live in a trailer park.
when she said she would show you her other bow, she ment she wanted you to bend her over and see the tattoo on her lower back you idiot
I just had a boat ride of shame. With Senior Citizens.
Do you remember Kelly my alter personality? She talked like a man and would sing amazing grace?
If I should ask "why am I still single?" could someone please remind me of shooting mike and ikes out of my nose at the bartender last Saturday. many thanks
He recognized me by my ass from about 15 yards away. I must have a REALLY nice ass.
Please note: when a bouncer tells you to leave, pointing out that their career path makes them a much better judge what to do will not make you friends
What's it called where you go to the stripclub with two guys that have both gone down on you...
Tuesday
Someone's vagina was extra sandy cause the left side of my bed feels like the beach.
I was just wicked nice to a telemarketer... that's how stoned this woman got me.
You gave me a bottle of tequila and introduced me to a ginger named cowboy. I actually love you.
LET ME HAVE MY JUDGMENT OF OTHER PEOPLE
if i get arrested im counting on you to get a picture of it
I possibly am a tad bit not really but maybe slightly intoxicated.
all I remember is screming at her "I want you and your tortillas... DEAD"
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