I got into my dads silver toyota in the back seat to get picked up and 2 mins later I asked my dad when are we leaving, then an old mexican woman turned around. wrong toyota I'm guessing.
I bought canned wine on a clearance aisle at the liquor store... I feel like I'm living in an episode of It's Always Sunny.
I keep forgetting that I only have two nostrils.
Yeah, I just met her and we got arrested together. I think it was a good bonding experience.
This could help me cancel out guys. First 4 that text me get to stay in the loop. And the last one gets the boot. We'll do this til there's only one man standing
I got a second ticket last night for drunkly using my one call to order a pizza and get it delivered at the police station
Letting two friends screw at my place in exchange for weed. This is my life.
Let's be honest I'm gonna watch murder she wrote and eat taquitos at three am
the only reason I'm still sleeping with him is to get the university's secure wifi password
You can't break up with me. I brought you to see Beyoncé.
Swear on my life the dude next to us just ordered a pizza and I will fight to the death for a slice
You sealing the pinky promise with a shot was much better than just kissing it
but like who hasn’t gotten fingered at the state fair?
New one isn't as good asmy ex. She won't put her tongue up my butt
Peter this is your "ex"
I stand by what i said
YOU'D BE LIKE A MERMAID! I'll bring you coffee filters to cover your tits.
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