So I answered the door in my underwear expecting my boyfriend. Instead I opened the door to Mormon missionaries. Do you think that was a sign from God?
He had personality for days, but cock for only minutes
I decided that not getting a job after college is gods way of telling me I will make a great housewife
she peed on how many people?
Snuck into a camper in someone's yard. Hotboxing. Can't wait until they go in it.
I love you. Thanks for all the blowjobs.
Do something fun then. Blow up the house or whatever.
How have you survived this long?
Dumb luck and a deal with the devil.
I feel like I have two modes: Super fuckin high, or super giddy from caffeine. I have learned to accept this.
I may puke in class so I'm excited to see how that goes
People were staring and acting all judgmental and offended... Like they've never seen anyone breastfeed in a liquor store.
40s are totally the cure
I woke up on a boat next to an extremely attractive man wearing nothing but a life jacket. Neither one of us owns a boat...
I want you to know. From the bottom of my heart, that you are a great friend, a beautiful person, and one of my favorite people in this world. But if you ever send me that many messages again at 4am I swear to God, I will push you in from of a fast running rhino
I’m pretty sure I have teeth marks on my neck
I googled my name and pictures of you drinking showed up. Way to steal my thunder....
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