new low, i just stole money from my 5 year old sister to buy condoms
i'm at the st pattys day thing. the bar is packed. they just put on celine dion its all coming back to me now. i'm screaming the words.
it's 1 pm.
Her face just looks like a massive mistake. That's the only legitimate description I can say about it
I'll come out for a little. I can't be visibly hungover at work again or I get written up and fired. And yes, I am aware of how alcoholic that sounds.
Ripped lines in the bathroom before my presentation.. Got bonus marks for my enthusiasm.. This is why I love drugs
Should I have a moral quandary about Skyping topless with him while his son slept in the other room?
Don't you realize there's more to life than sex and pizza rolls?
So apparently I initiate sex in my sleep
I keeping finding meatballs in random places
Some guy named spider just bought me 5 shots
Forever getting my life back together in gas station bathrooms.
Dude, she set my Tinder preference to men, set the radius to 100 miles, and used up all of my right swipes. I think she's mad.
Because cocaine and lesbian hookups on a Tuesday cannot be the new normal
Which emoticons convey sympathy for sleeping with someones bf ??
i woke up wearing a life jacket, holding on to a footlong hotdog, and had on a mr. hustle 1995 shirt on
good night
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