I'm in a room alone pouting because I got the wrong nachos at taco bell.
I'm at the house listening to vengaboys alone. Please come home.
So, remember how that one doctor said it was 1 in a million that I'd get pregnant...
Yeeah thank god
Well..welcome to parenting Mr. one in a million.
Just found my toeprints on the glass of his sunroof.
The prostitute across the street from us is having a seizure on her front lawn again.
He snuck into my grandmothers house, broke her lamp, fucked me, then had breakfast with us the next morning. I am an awful granddaughter.
I gave him head and we watched Fashion Police. somehow it wasn't awkard.
Thanks for walking over, a conversation about David Bowie's dick as a muppet is exactly what my day was missing.
Had sex with him again...yikes. and the whole time he kept saying "i wish we could do this forever." Forever lasted about 45 seconds
Have you seen our bachelor? He's MIA. Last seen being led to some hookers by Kanye look-a-like.
Zak is like the Picasso of masterbatory texts
There's something really beautiful about walk of shaming past the Capitol.
I have to tell him to stop eating me out so I'm not late for work; my life could be a lot worse.
But you''re still having sex with him. And a hobo convinced you to.
I feel really sorry for my toilet right now
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