now everythime i write "i'm" in my phone my tap9 spells out "i'm-never-drinking-again". It's trying to remind me
Sometimes, when I'm driving alone I talk to myself in a Russian accent so I think it's my mommy and it calms me down.
so her cute freckles turned out to be blackheads
Saw my boss's vagina at that party. Hung over at work has never been more acceptable
I just want to jump into a ballpool of dicks now.
I'm not considering your visit a success until we've fucked every cock in the ethnic rainbow...between the four of us we should have it done by x-mas
She bit a glowstick open. Apparently they burn. We bonded while she washed the chemicals out of her mouth as I did double shots of Jager.
A girl at the bar is wearing green body paint instead of a shirt. Where are you?!
she was trying to use her iTranslate app while we were having sex.
Thanks for the morning blowjob. Scientifically proven you can't have a bad day if it starts with a blowjob.
So are we just not going to talk about the time I came home to you jerking it in the kitchen?
What's the policy on calling guys who have kids daddy...
I went to Walmart last night to buy some CDs--which is a sentence I never thought I'd say in 2016.
Man I gotta stop stashing shit when I'm high. I just spent 2 hours searching for my bag of pot and eventually found it in fucking a bandaid box.
For the love of god, if any of you are up, bring me pants.
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