I'm sorry I didn't make it out, I got distracted by sparkley boobies.
I think the secretary can hear it when I fart in the bathroom, how do you think she feels about that?
I just found out my favorite drunk show, Repo Men, is just reenactments. I can't express through words my disappointment.
I told him we couldn't have sex because I was ovulating and "I come from fertile people."
If there was a god I would have a big mac right now, but i don't
I think I'm interested in anyone that recognizes I actually have a pulse
What a dumb baby whore.
Girl it's 3:30 get your life together and come enjoy a bowl, some coffee and a brownie with me
Let's just says his mouth writes a lot of checks that his penis just can't cash. Don't waste your time.
fyi, pepper spray hurts. whoever comes up with the best backstory wins a prize.
Update - might be back in your neighbor's good graces. She liked the framed photo I gave her of me on the tractor with my business out.
Woke up in bushes at UT didn't know I was Austin last night
I would literally only have sex with a dinosaur right now.
There is a guy down by the river wearing a zebra print speedo and a sombrero, with a beer in each hand, screaming "This is America bitches!"
So she said she could really go for a cheeseburger and I remembered I had one in my pocket. No idea where it came from.
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