Goddamn it, are you fucking her sister?
did you know it's going to storm tonight?
You bitch. At least tell Laura she's a better kisser.
I got 70 on my final, or put differently, I got a "still graduating" on my final.
we were both as far on opposite edges of my bed as possible this morning. id say work is gonna be a little uncomfortable from now on
Mmmhmmm sure, nice try, but there's certain wounds that only bj's can heal
Quesedillas should not make me weep and drinking water should not make me feel like god is giving me mouth to mouth. Never again.
There was an Altoids can full of urine in the bathroom. I do not want to know what was going on in there.
I WAS a history major. I also WAS a functioning human being. Fuck gin.
He always takes me to get taco bell after we hook up in his car. It's sort of become a booty call tradition.
I don't get hangovers. Except once. And there is a massively epic story behind that, involving so much alcohol I should have died, and 13 raw hotdogs.
They're either celebrating their tax money or trying to kill each other.
Bought pregnancy tests in bulk off amazon. Kinda feel insulted that it asked if I wanted to subscribe for regular shipments.
He said I have a comfortable vagina. What does that even mean?
Look, all I'm saying is that you're going to be a great Vodka Mom.
Nothing screams "crazy cat lady" like a nursery in your house when you're over 30, single and have no kids.
I am eating a fluff-a-nutter sandwich at the gym right now. I brought vodka too.
Randomize
