Holy jesus god. My teeth taste like street.
remember when jerking off was fun and not a neccesity
Her bacne/racne was so bad it was like having sex with bubble wrap.
he was so high, he talked to my goldfish for an hour telling him the dangers of overfeeding.
low key just jizzed in a chinese food container
You said you couldnt get the condom on but "its the thought that counts"
your facebook page is a work of drunk art.
I found her in the bathroom licking her screwdriver off the floor. she said there was no way she was wasting a $6 drink.
I know. I know. The man who pulled me from my mother's womb was the same man who had his fingers in my vagina today. My life is a joke. I don't know how to feel about this.
Posting happy birthday to my grandpa on Facebook.... Then realizing my profile pic is me dressed as a slutty cop when he used to be a police officer.
Apparently "I have the beer shits" isn't the excuse my boss wanted to hear. So sue me
I cried while dry heaving in the back of the car to the New York song with jay z in it. I was singing it inbetween gags.
i just remember that i was on top of him and he wasnt contributing to the event much.. god i hope he wasnt asleap.
You were like a drunk and unconscious tickle me elmo.
Crazy homeless man drinking beer out of a vitamin water container on the bus just set me up on a date with the yuppie next to him
Randomize
