I swear to god Optimus Prime and Megatron are fighting in my head right now.
made out with the bouncer to distract him from how illegitimate my fake id is.
I want a gay best friend. or apple sauce either one is fine with me
you told the cop you blew a .08 because you ate poppy seeds
if u cant get laid at this wedding we need to have a looooooong talk about the possibility of u becoming a lesbian
she blew me in the men's room in the restaurant. it was a french bistro, so it was okay
I feel more comfortable going down on her then actually kissing her.
Im organizing a group to help fondle my shoe. Too many shots dude. Too many.
I want to play lord of the rings tonight. And by that I mean get really drunk, potentially lost, and go trekking through the woods or climbing shit. I want all of you there. You are the fellowship. This is a mass text. I am insanely high.
your sister totally cock blocked me last night don't even think about inviting her to taco night
Besides. I don't even really like sex because it feels great. I like it because for thirty minutes I own that guys ass.
I don't know. What do people who don't get stoned do?
I'm trying to get fucked by 4 girls here, and you're worried about verb tenses?!
Most people would agree that it IS in fact slutty to give someone head for free ice cream.
You know it’s going to be a rough day when you scream “Get fucked” at your alarm clock
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