I went from sexy to sloppy in a matter of minutes
So, just so you know... Your vasectomy worked.
bonus
I just went to a subway where the girl didn't know how to make a blt. I will not miss public school texans.
my bedside table was not meant to hold this many beer bottles.
So somehow I got from NYC to a suburban town in the middle of Jersey. At 4am. Thank god there are trains that can rectify my mistakes...
she asked me which thongs i though her boyfriend would like best. fuck the friend zone
I lost my keys but found four buffalo wings in my pockets
We should give each other good-luck-on-your-finals head in the morning.
Just peed in the fountain while its snowing. Fell flat on my ass, literally my butt naked ass in a pile of snow. It's safe to say I'm done with drinking on weekdays
Seriously you've eaten pizza pockets for every meal for the past 4 days
Well to be fair I wasn't alive for breakfast 2 out of 4 days
At least is you came to Milwaukee to visit me you'd get the best mind blowing sex of your life and free wifi. Who doesn't want free wifi!
I raged so hard that I was so hungover today I threw up out of a car window going 50mph cause my parents didn't pull over quick enough ...sorry to the people behind us
I think his dick was bigger than his dog
I just want to meet a nice normal guy that doesn't want me to taze him while we have sex. . . . .is that too much to ask for?
I got so drunk last night that I was drunk in my dream. Good night
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