The 3 of us think it's time to start drinking.
3?
Me, myself and I
I just walked into a tree. I think it's time to go home.
I wish I could tape me & him having sex. Not for pornographic reasons, just for comic relief.
I just drove by a church. On the sign out front was written 'crocodile cock'. On both sides.
I can't believe you're fucking in the bar bathroom, but everyone else can, and they're really proud.
he was fingering me, then looked down and said "i like your socks"
Did the math... it's Magna Cum Laude whether I get a 4.0 or a 0.0 this semester. I'm blacking out now, wake me up when I have to walk across the stage,
No, I don't just love you because you have big boobs. I just wouldn't visit as often.
I know how I'm going to make my fortune.. designing an icepack made specifically for the vagina.
He told me that if I were a guy he'd go gay for me. Honestly don't know how to take that.
Dear awkwardly drunk roommate, thanks for stuffing enough change in my clevage that I could afford a pepsi at work today. Sincerely awesome roommate that put up with your drunk ass
Um ... did I have a lizard on my shoulder last night at the bar?
Honestly I don't even have room for feelings after that Taco Bell
I ate her out and told her she tasted like pumpkin pie. She screamed that she hated pumpkins and started to cry
if I start to respond to these political texts with a middle finger emoji - do you think they will get the hint?
Randomize
