just caught grandpa beating off in the living room
She looks like Robin Williams dressed as a frog.
I could make wine with my vomit
I feel like I bought a front row ticket to watch her screw up her life
today was the first day of rush. talking to girls all day makes me sick of having a uterus.
Id like to know where dora the explorers parents are when she goes on all these crazy ass adventures
So someone hacked my email and facebook and posted a boob pic I took a few years ago as my profile picture. I feel like an MTV commercial.
Buying a pregnancy test at Walmart in the middle of the night in the middle of Tennessee is not really how I imagined my 25th year on this planet starting out...
we left when one of the guys tried to stick himself with an IV that he found
Just peed out a window, not entirely sure it's open. Can't tell. I'll find out in the morning.
By the power invested in me i promise you hot wedding sex at my wedding.
Nothing like waking up and watching Dr. Phil and masturbating. It's like a protein shake for the day.
Then while I was crying on his shoulder, he got a boner. Soo. I kinda just hopped on.
He took my Spanx off and still fucked me twice. I call that success.
For some reason, my alarm clock was unplugged & in the kitchen microwave. I don't remember doing that...
Randomize