Time to put an end to this 'unprotected sex with crazy girls who have violent exes' trip I've been on so far this summer
Tonight has been like a good ass fucking high school movie
This chick just checked into her walk of shame on Foursquare... I think I'm in love.
I was high enough to think that mac-n-cheese w/ ketchup, tortilla chips w/ ketchup, and milk was a fancy dinner
I miss waking up, opening the closet downstairs, and finding you inside passed out.
The dentist told me I have super glue on my teeth. I'm not blaming you I just want to know how that happened
You scratched my dick last night. It deserves an apology and I fell that actions speak louder than words when it comes to apologies like this.
everyone thought he was too sick to make it, but he showed up. Ten minutes in and he's doing vodka shots with nyquil chasers
trading diseases for a hangover? that's either a really good decision or a really, really bad one. we'll find out if he wakes up tomorrow
I just tried to eat one of my ear plugs, thinking it was a cheese curl. I need it to be break RIGHT NOW.
Ohmygod. I don't know if I can explain how great it'll be. I hope you don't mind Subaru sex
You should probably stop your little brother from ruining thanksgiving. I just caught him trying to stuff a cake in a drawer... And now he's puking.
If there was a card that said "I'm sorry for throwing up on your bathroom counter" I would send it to you.
I should probably eat a Plan B. Pill for breakfast. Happy Halloween.
I don't need inspirational quotes. If I'm going to be motivated, it will be by anger and spite.
Drunk. Come get me. Out front blue shirt.
Where are you? And you borrowed my shirt. I know what you're wearing. How wasted are you?
Hotel
WHICH HOTEL??
Randomize
