Why is there a cactus in the microwave?
Don't worry about it.
I love reading their "i love you more" , "no i love you more" war on facebook today knowing that he hooked up with me last night. I bet i know who wins that one.
just crush a couple of percocets into it. tell him sam adams came out with a new beer. flavored with sleep.
I listened to the last 10 minutes of that 20 minute voicemail, it's solid gold. At one point he literally suggests we buy tasers and go around shooting people.
he sent me a picture of his dick with a heart border around it
no i do not regret standing at the wendys drive thu handing the employees mardi gra beads to get free chicken nuggets
He'll choke me during sex but he won't eat a strip of bacon. Vegetarians are weird.
No no no no no no.... That's my emergency bottle for when I realize I've hit rock bottom
Its a sick, sad, world when parents get more ass then you.
you and him went to the park at 2am to "catch a pigeon" and ACTUALLY CAME BACK WITH A PIGEON
Themes for tonight: men who look like bill Gates but sing smash mouth songs. Women who's names are also food. Haircuts that DO NOT cover bald spots.
Just because you have put things in my vagina does not mean you know me
I'm glad you still love me even when I change pants in the kitchen and demand you spoon me
I'm getting paid to get fucked up. How much better could this get?
Mandatory face masks - finally, a solution for lip augmentation failures and bad breath.
Randomize
