She's a black belt cougar in the 6th degree.
Afterwards she curled up in my dog's bed and slept there all night
How mad was your dog?
Most guys don't get turned on by "skinny, gangly legged girl with glasses laying in bed touching herself." You better start working on your diction if you're gonna keep up the sexting.
Taking a shot for every status related to the patriots losing. Hello hospital.
His penis was definitely too big to be the type that wants commitment. Shit.
oh and then you called a time out with your penis
the back of my hand read, "say no to drugs." my palm read, "say yes to shots." when the fuck did I write that?
Sex on roller skates
Floating mattress
Tie
You don't care if I shave my legs, but you insist I be conscious for sex. Whatever. I really think your priorities are out of whack.
I'll always remember you bringing me that pregnancy test in the middle of an ice storm. Best friend ever.
In case you're wondering what eggs stolen from an elementary school's chicken coop taste like, delicious. Delicious is what they taste like.
He didn't call me beautiful but he came in less than five minutes so same thing, right?
I'd help you out but I got Bacardi and Tequila poured down my snorkel last night and I'm still drunk
Just so were clear your wife is cut off from my dick.
HIS DICK IS GLORIOUS AND I WANT TO RIDE IT TO VALHALLA
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