i can now get sex on a playground off my list of things to do in life.
I'm at taco bell and they have a hiring sign asking "do you like to melt things?" clearly they only want the ambitious.
I tried to fuck this guy who I'm pretty sure has an erectile dysfunction
i don't know. but im upstairs in the closet with a burger i found in their fridge
A guy just walked down the street dressed as Mickey Mouse holding a 40oz. Where the hell did you leave me?
I have no idea, but there's a bus parked in front of my house and like 6 texts saying im gonna prove my love. this is either really really awesome or really really bad.
We ate our feelings. Then drank our feelings. I feel feminism delivered.
Braid them armpits, sister.
I asked this couple what they would like to drink and they leaned toward me eagerly and asked if we still have THE root beer ... Idk if this is code for please add cocaine to my drink
So again no comment on the cleavage. I'm a bit disappointed. If those girls come together to make cleavage AND I send you a pic of it, you have to comment on it. That's like relationship 101.
my parents have to start far too many of our conversations with the sentence "this is an observation, not a judgment" than I'm proud of
Don't try to sleep with work colleagues because he won't be able to get it up and you won't be able to look him in the eye ever again
I legitimately thought he died. I even called his mom at 3am and told her. Im done with vodka.
Getting blackout drunk infront of my family was never on my bucket list, but now that I've done it I'm cool with it.
I came so hard my ears popped.
You will be reminded everyday when you witness my majestic mustache.
Randomize
