Buhtt sex?
I don't know where I am, but its a Goosebumps novel waiting to happen.
Jesus knows you're telling a lie.
Jesus stopped reading my text messages when I started drunk texting boys to hookup
I am now the proud owner of a 10-12 year old's Optimus Prime costume from Walmart. Tomorrow is going to be a good day.
Sorry I didn't pick up for your booty call. I usually am asleep at 4:00 on Thursdays. Like a normal person.
Honey, I don't care how "classic you" this is. It's not gonna matter if we can't find you in the morning.
You almost set me on fire last night.
You probably deserved it.
Just killed a snake in my bed! And by killed I mean hit repeatedly with my fist. And by snake I mean a lump in the covers. And I pissed my pants.
idk wtf was in that bud but I was talking to my dead dog last night bro holy shit
and it's like......my shirt is off and he's talking about quidditch. why.
I'm six Popsicles away from an existential breakdown.
WHY DID HE INTRODUCE ME TO HIS MOM? CAN'T HE JUST HIDE ME LIKE EVERYONE ELSE I'VE EVER DATED?@!
I never thought I'd say this but there's too many dicks around here.
Got a $290 noise violation last night for shouting "THE KING OF THE NORTH" til 2 am
No instead we fucked in the elevator.. it was wrong on so many levels..
How tall was the building? Maybe it was only wrong on some of them
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