what part of covering your puke with shaving cream seemed like a good idea?
You went around chanting "dinosaur period" and drinking tomato soup from the can.
So apparently we dropped beers outside the apartment last night, and someone RETURNED them! Ha like what? I just walked out the front door to Christmas in a box on my doorstep.
Apparently, I showed up wrapped in caution tape and immediately jumped on the stripper pole and started making very sexual gestures at the birthday girl. We lasted ten minutes.
I'm so hungover I literally am considering drinking from the fishtank to avoid getting out of bed.
Um...It has come to my attention that I may have said some rather vulgar things about Sean Connery to you and anyone listening last night, so...I apologize for that. I meant the things I said. But still. Sorry.
i swear to god if you did anything to my honey bunches ill remove all the oats and shove them up your dickhole then play pinata with my foot to knock them all back out
Well, we broke up and instead of putting my shit out on the curb like a normal person, she fucking donated everything to Goodwill. So now I have to pay two dollars for one of my own t shirts.
Did we seriously just get into a fist fight over kit kats?
You're such a good friend. You send me pictures of your boobs when I'm sad. I will always appreciate that.
I think I just figured out how to make weed tea in the coffeemaker.
I have a guy for practically everything... except for making me waffles on demand. will u be my waffle guy?
She showed up at 4:30 in the morning HAMMERED, stripped, demanded sex, then after 4 failed attempts stopped me mid-thrust to tell me she thought we should be fucking for a cause, like animal rights. Process that for a second. She wanted us to be fucking for animal rights.
we had sex in his office so i figured it was appropriate to like his company's page on facebook
Everybody at Lexi's party found out I'm both a screamer and a moaner after he ate me out on the pool table downstairs. Just another sunday night in Alaska
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