I assumed she put out when I heard her friend call her "dickbutt"
I just realised I've never been sober in my apartment
hey watch out, they threw flour on everyone who passed out at their party last year.
You can't just call animal control when you're drunk because there is a bug in the shower.
I still count it as showing your tits. Even though the wall was the only one who saw anything. Your boyfriend was pissed.
I don't know what I'm more pleased with, the blowie last night or that fact that there's still 20 dollars in my wallet
I'm cleaning my apartment while naked. Anyone who says that's not why they want to live on their own is lying.
Hey can you send me a copy of my mugshot? I need it to prove a point
You must take up my position now. You must pass out in awkward places as I taught you... Sears a hotel elevator and Burger King bathroom. You potential for greater young grasshopper.
He's getting Easter eggs filled with weed or Jell-O shots for his birthday
I'm either a high functioning alcoholic or I'm making the most of the fact that this is the last year that its socially acceptable to be black-out drunk five days a week.
"This must be what Jayden Smith feels like all the time"
A 5 day bender that ended with refusing to pay my bar tab before I left the city. I offered to send them a selfie so they knew to never let me back in.
I hate the cold months. Everybody starts hibernating and I start talking to guys I would never normally talk to. You have a drug habit and no license? Perfect candidate for a boyfriend...
We will discuss everything tomorrow i presume. Including the sweaty naked tango.
Randomize
